There is no greater sorrow than being a disappointment to the one you love, particularly when that disappointment begins to destroy the fabric of your intimacy.
Every time Marie and I fight it feels like the last fight, like things have gotten so desperate and so divided and so excruciatingly painful we'll absolutely never recover. By now what keeps us together is the fear of uncertainty and a lingering memory of the better days and the hope we can reclaim them, but I hate it that we hurt each other, I hate to see the pain she is in, and I hate myself for causing it.
I think she has come to a place where I don't appeal to her anymore. I think it's gotten so bad the anger rises to the surface at the slightest provocation or trigger. I feel so alone and so defeated. I never meant for it to turn out like this. I love her very much. I wish I was better at it.
Sometimes I try to stand up for myself and make demands that we proceed with mutual respect, but I'm not a good negotiator, and I come off as unreasonable and manipulative and heavy-handed. I just want the best for us, and I want a love we can both trust. I don't want to fight anymore, at least not like that.
That's all I have to say right now. We've had an hour and a half to calm down, and I want to go home and apologize and make up. I hope she will let me and meet me halfway.
I don't think we are bad people. We've just made some mistakes, and we have some deep down lingering hurts that become stumbling blocks when we try to relate and work our way through the difficult times. It would help to be more financially secure and have less pressure and worry. Most of all it would help to break through our fears and regrets. I do love her with all my heart.
Dad--
ReplyDeleteI tell you I'm going to have to start reading the blog from the top down (I usually read by date). Yesterday things were good, today not good. There is an author I think you should check out. She writes amazing books on love, relationships, and intimacy, Harriet Lerner. She even has a PhD! Her books are supposed to be for women looking to improve their realtionships but I think that's only because it's rare when a man wants to or is willing to look at books to improve things. A good one the Dance of Anger, there's also the Dance of Intimacy and the Dance of Connection: How to talk to someone when you're mad, hurt, scared, frustrated, insulted, betrayed, or desperate (I think she wrote that book just for you!). Border's carries them and you can also get them as a set on Amazon.com for $30.93 with free shipping. If I had your address I sware I'd buy them for you myself. There's another on something about seven somethingorothers. I don't remember it, I have a call into my mom (she remembers everything, and for the record still has nice things to say about you sometimes hehehehe even though you can be an oaf). Anyway try those books if nothing else they are really interesting and I think you would really like them. Some great tips I sware and even better than Dr. Phil!
Me
Steff-
ReplyDeleteThose books sound like amazing resources. I think sometimes when we're angry we get to a place where we're embarrassed by our own behavior, and a kind of panic sets in, and all the sudden you begin feeling as though you have to cover the embarrassment with more outrage and more out of control loudness and outrage. It's as though you can't go backward so you plunge forward into the lost territory of the hurt within you, the scared child of your heart.
That's when we spiral into our own hurt and further and further from the person we want to be. I'll have to look for that book.