This will sound ridiculous but it has incredible power if you have the courage: Find a big piece of scrap paper that is blank on the back, preferably a relic from your youth like an old Bon Jovi poster or some useless pile of papers you've been saving for no reason. Tear it into 101 scraps. The exact number is not important. On the first scrap write "my failings and my regrets, my sorrows and my shames." On each scrap you write one misery you have stored, one lie you have told yourself, a sin, a regret, a harm you have caused. Some of us will need more paper. When you are finished take the pile and put it in a paper sack (or three, if you are like me), drive the sack to the nearest recycling facility (be sure to combine this with other trips) and take the papers one by one and let the breeze blow them out of your hand. You have now let go of all the brutal negative energy you have stored in your heart and memory.
As I do this I am still responsible for the harms I've caused, but the universe will offer me ways to heal myself and others and make amends.
Many of you will write off this exercise as the worst kind of tripe. Fine, go start a blog of your own. To those of you who are willing to step out in this way I guarantee you you will experience a tremendous leap in energy and a powerful cleansing of your mind and heart. You will make some tremendous discoveries and the resolve to change things that have troubled you for years.
I am completing the exercise this weekend. I don't think it will serve a good purpose to publish the regrets here (there's a wallowing David-Hasselhoff-on-the-floor quality in that which wouldn't be good for anyone) but I will report on the results.
By now some of the more literate among you have no doubt noticed I am a terrible but inadvertant plagiarist; like many of my posts this one has elements of two or three books I've probably read and another 4 or 5 I probably should have. The fingerprints of better craftsmen are all over this blog, but it was never about achieving some startling new path to personal growth: there aren't any new ideas, there aren't any secrets--the principles of a whole and healthy life are as old as Genesis: "It is not good for man to be alone" and Christ: "As a man soweth, so shall he reapeth."
The second thing you may have noticed if you have gotten this far is that the blog bounces between two poles, high ambitions and noble ideas (or what I hope are noble ideas) and stark confessions of a terribly misspent life. This is the whole truth of it, or at least the condensed version: I am three times bankrupt and three times divorced, I've squandered every gift God has given me and abandoned or misused everyone who has ever loved me. I'm not an authority on anything; I'm just a fanatic for wanting things to be better. And as celebrated celebrity fanatic Martin Sheen has said, "Nothing ever gets done unless it's done by a fanatic." (AARP magazine, July/August 2008--I do attribute things properly whenever my failing memory succeeds in retrieving the source. The transformation poem from yesterday is still bugging me; I know I've read the essence of it somewhere but d**ned if I can remember where.)
The best explanation I have for this polarity is, "duh." That's what we are. We are the low urges that send our best friend to die because we want his wife and the Psalmist that composes songs that lift a million billion trillion minds. (I don't like this paragraph but I'll leave it for now; it's 12:04 and that's the best I can do.)
It ain't where you start, honey, it's where you end up. This blog is my Walden Pond, and I am going in to these woods not to build a sturdy rough-hewn house but a new life and a new way of thinking, being and creating, beginning from right where I am.
And in a week's time I'm going to call Abby's family and ask if they'll join me for an ice cream. No matter what happens, that will be a good day.
Wow. I feel a better understanding of you. We all have a part of our past, o.k. maybe some of us it's our ENTIRE past, that rocks us to our sensitive core. The way we have just crushed the ones we love. Intentionally or not, it is a destroy button we push over and over again. It would bring you to your knees in tears to hear what I have put the people who cherish me the most through. Thank you for sharing. I was a little distraught and worried about you the other day when I saw your handsome face all... um, well, you know. "I wanted to ask you, but not at work. Not like that. If you wanted to share you, you would. Maybe it's none of my business" That was my reasoning for not being a good friend and just sitting down next to you and asking if you needed to vent. I failed that day, in that moment in my cowardess. Forgive. I am here for you if you need to talk. I stayed in a physical, mental, emotional and spiritually abusive relationship for YEARS for fear of failing in a choice for a partner again... all I did was fail myself and the people who truly love me much more. I am content, happy, and loved. I have an amazing child and we pray Abby's prayer pretty often here at home and I myself at work when I am starting my day.
ReplyDeleteAdvice is what it is... free. If someone loves you, with the love you speak of from Abby and her family, it is NEVER to late to try and make amends. Thank you for sharing Dale. Really.
Candace
My brother Larry had an affirmation on his wall that said, "Courage is facing one's greatest fears while reaching for one's highest hopes." You remind me of the Prodigal Son who lost everything except for the humility and courage it took to ask for forgiveness. Asking for forgiveness requires tremendous courage because it indicates a willingness to change and you are risking rejection. Yet, your ending comment on that particular entry was both hopeful and brave in saying that no matter the outcome, the day you ask for forgiveness will still be a good day.
ReplyDeleteThat's a beautiful thought, Dale, and it shows you are victorious already. I hope your family joins you in the healing.
Blessings,
Pat
The second comment is from my friend Pat, who has been kind enough to read the blog since its baby-step beginnings and has offered invaluable advice and encouragement. What I meant to do was transfer the comment from an email to "comments" and leave an introduction, but technical ineptness set in (Napoleon Dynamite moment: "Idiot!") and I fumbled this assignment--I didn't realize the system would attribute the comment to me, and further failed to realize I couldn't change or correct it after it was posted.
ReplyDeletePat, thank you for your email. The journey of healing in all of our lives is an exciting thing, and it's an incredible privilege to work and live and share this, to lift one another up with our stories.
Candace, thank you so much for reading the blog and responding so thoughtfully. You are a radiant and remarkable person with an infectious enthusiasm. I deeply appreciate your honesty and the courage you show in your life and in this blog entry, full of the wisdom, grace and heart you show to the world every day.
Many blessings to you both,
Dale