Play Free Bird

Sometimes I long for the simple life, when I didn't have to devote so much energy to taking the emotional temperature of the room.

I think about the life I would create if my life really belonged to me. I'd read and play poker and go to the gym. I'd smile at people and seek out conversation and new experiences. I wouldn't walk around with my head down feeling wounded and defeated and ashamed. I'd greet life with eagerness and curiousity instead of shame and doubt.

My God, listen to me. I'm living like a prisoner in my own skin. I've surrendered my worth and hopes and heart to someone who regards me as a person of no value. I've swallowed whole the messages of contempt and powerlessness, waiting to be redeemed or forgiven or released. As if I had no say.

It would be amazing to have space of my own and permission to live and be alive. How do I reclaim that permission, extricate myself from the mess and ruin and neglect? How do I get out of Marie's terrible shadow, the screaming I wear like a shock collar.