Random observations on a life gone wrong:
Later that night when I was at work Marie sent me a text message. "I wish you would come home," it said.
I called her on my lunch break. "I can come home, but things have to be different. It can't be crazy and dehumanizing anymore."
So after work I drove home. She was in bed when I got there and I kissed her and we went to sleep. It had been an exhausting, stress-packed day.
We keep trying. We keep forgiving each other. We keep hoping things will be different. I guess we have to be different.
I feel so much pressure and uncertainty over money I never stop worrying. Today I got an email from Kaiser telling me I was unqualified for their patient specialist position. Five year's customer service experience and a college degree, and I'm not qualified for a screening interview.
It's a tough world. I'm not sure I'm qualified to be a husband either. I know I love Marie, but I'm not very good at loving her.
The donks are beating my head it at the poker tables right now. I am the undisputed king of losing with a 4-1 advantage. 88 vs. 22, ace-ace vs. ace-five suited--it doesn't matter when you're running bad. No lead is safe. No amount of patience and calculation will survive the onslaught of the next heartbreak river. It will turn around in the long run, but in the long run we'll all be dead.
At least then I won't have to worry about jobs and budgets and complicated love. To sleep, perchance to dream. The rub is, I have to get through fifteen more Februaries before I can retire. I already feel old enough. Maybe I could qualify for some kind of mental disability. Insanity, after all, is repeating the same behaviors and expecting things to change.
Dad---
ReplyDeleteYou're hurting MY head!!! Just kidding. I'm sorry things with you and Marie are so confusing. Money, or lack of, can make relationships harder. I didn't know you were looking for another job, probably looking for more pay right? We are getting ready to start teaching E-man the ABC's and I've been shopping on E-bay for new clothes for Elizabeth. I'm coming down to Portland on the 20th (Saturday) but we are just going to dinner with Grammy and Grandpa (at the Ring Side yummy!!!) and heading home again on Sunday. Maybe if you're around I can try to see you on Sunday morning before we head out. Tom wanted to be able to say goodbye to the family before he deploys and Grammy and Grandpa are the coolest people on earth, and yummy dinner makes everything worth driving 6 hours. We're getting the taxes back soon, and then we get to shop for fun deployment stuff he gets to take with him (laptops, video camera, and other not so fun stuff magazine clips, more bullet proofing stuff, water thingys). I don't really know as it's all military speak but I do get to buy my new bedroom set from Ikea so Tom can get whatever he wants!!!
Me
Hi Steff--
ReplyDeleteThe Ringside is a great place for sendoff dinner. Tell your grandparents I said hi. Have fun shopping. I'll try to post up another update soon. The working title is, "I don't want to go to work--can I poke myself in the eye with a sharp stick instead?