I love my wife more than anyone or anything in the world. I desire her more than any celebrity or starlet or ghost from my past. I want to be with her. I crave her company, her presence, and the light in her eyes is a tonic to my soul. Her curves entice me, her laughter delights me, and I want to be where she is.
But we can't get along.
Old hurts get in the way. The discouragements and trials of daily living beat us down. We are too sensitive. We are too different and too alike. We say just the wrong thing at just the wrong time. The devil torments us with our demons and insecurities. I've failed her in ways she can never forgive or forget.
My pride gets injured and my back goes up. I set my jaw and lapse into a sulk or storm off. I wound her when I should comfort her. She turns away from me when I need her most. The old hurts are right below the surface. We can be blissful and happy, but a misery gets triggered by a random reminder and we are right back in the stew, stewing and murmuring to ourselves, dwelling on all the wrong things.
I would give anything to take her in my arms and make all the hurt go away, to create a moment or a gesture or a tenderness or a passion that settles things forever, that takes us out of our awful patterns and destructive habits. I wish I could love her in a way that makes her forget all her old loves, or our old hurts. I wish I had the right blend of confidence and tenderness to conquer her heart forever.
Instead we stumble along and stumble into fights and squabbles and tiffs, misunderstandings and hurt silences and sorrowful blowups. We waste precious hours and damage tender mercies. Last night I said something hurtful and banished myself to the couch.
I need her and I want her. I want us to belong together and be united against every trouble and difficulty that comes along. I want to renew my vows every day with gestures of kindness and moments of grace.
I wish I knew better and did better and could stop screwing up. I love her with all my heart.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
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This is the Way the Transformation Begins
"Some men see things as they are and say why? I dream things that never were and say "Why not?"
George Bernard Shaw, Robert F. Kennedy
This is the way the transformation begins.
It begins in me.
It begins now.
It begins with small incremental changes and shifts in attitude
it begins with positive action
failing forward
and suddenly I start looking at the world and my place in it in a new way. I speak differently and dress differently and project a different energy, and the world opens up like a glorious pink azalea bush, eight feet tall and blooming like mad.
photo by Kajo123 from the website flickr.com
Good morning!
An engineer builds a bridge and every bolt and weld has to be exactly right; every measure has to be perfect, or the bridge collapses or fails to take its place. Fantastically detailed blueprints have to be laid out. Impact statements have to be filed, sediment has to be studied, years of effort, months of planning, and a man-made marvel rises in the sky. Park somewhere and take a good look at a bridge, and think of all the skill and knowledge and hard honest work it took to create it. Consider how a few thousand years ago we were living in caves.
It is not so with a dream. Some people are remarkable dreamers and dreams spring whole from them, or they can leap up from bed and pages of creative genius flow out of their pen, intricate and perfect. Most of us though are baby dreamers, new at it and tentative to the trust the power of what we wish for.
Start the dream! Whether you want to go to nursing school or college or learn to play the guitar, take a first step, now, even in the wrong direction. Don't wait for the blueprint to come to you, the environmental impact statement, the permits and the 200-page budget and legislative dream approval. Rough it out, sketch it on a napkin, tell a friend, and take action. Your dream begins the moment you step out in first moment of believing, and the result can touch a thousand souls. Listen to Jim Valvano: never give up, never surrender. Believe in the audacity of action and your fantastic potential for change and new opportunity.
It is not so with a dream. Some people are remarkable dreamers and dreams spring whole from them, or they can leap up from bed and pages of creative genius flow out of their pen, intricate and perfect. Most of us though are baby dreamers, new at it and tentative to the trust the power of what we wish for.
Start the dream! Whether you want to go to nursing school or college or learn to play the guitar, take a first step, now, even in the wrong direction. Don't wait for the blueprint to come to you, the environmental impact statement, the permits and the 200-page budget and legislative dream approval. Rough it out, sketch it on a napkin, tell a friend, and take action. Your dream begins the moment you step out in first moment of believing, and the result can touch a thousand souls. Listen to Jim Valvano: never give up, never surrender. Believe in the audacity of action and your fantastic potential for change and new opportunity.
The Hawthorne Bridge at sunrise, Portland Oregon. Photo by Joe Collver, from flickr.com
Genuine happiness and success start with an attitude of abundance
Make it a daily practice to begin your day with five minutes of thankfulness. You can even do it in your car on the way to work. Do it in your own way, whether it's thoughtful reflection or a prayer or singing out loud, but focus on your rich, amazing, abundant life.
Feeling grumpy or resentful or worried instead of thankful? Change direction! Consider the incredible gifts you have--mind, body, spirit, senses, your family, your friends, your clothes, your car, and the breakfast you enjoyed this morning. By the standards of 99% of the world, Americans are incredibly, amazingly rich. You truly have no idea how richly blessed you are until you start thinking about it. Even the heart that beats within you and the lungs that breathe your air are an intricate and amazing miracle.
Some of my favorite movies are ones that feature a once-defeated character waking up to an absolutely new day: "It's A Wonderful Life," the various versions of Dicken's "Christmas Carol" and "Groundhog Day." How exhilarating it is for George Bailey to wake up and realize his life isn't over, it's just beginning, and that today truly is a brand new day.
"It's a Wonderful Life"
George returns home to everything he ever wanted.
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