Asking the Wrong Question

Are you seeing anyone else? is the wrong question.

If you have reached a place where you feel such a fundamental uncertainty about where you stand in a relationship, if you are that skittish and insecure and unfulfilled, it's too late to be asking.

The better question is, is this relationship a healthy and whole and fulfilling part of my life? Does this person make me feel better about myself, or worse? Do I like myself more when I'm around them? Do I feel trust, companionship and warmth in their presence? Am I optimistic and confident and encouraged when we spend time together? Do we spend enough time together? Are we growing? Are we meeting one another's needs? Do we trust each other? Do we heal and increase each other? Does the presence of the other bring me closer to God and the best that is within me, or do I feel fear and anxiety and frustration? Will they come when I call? Are they happy and eager to hear from me?

Tonight I worked out and played a little poker and had dinner with my roommates. We had the 7.95 steak special at Boss Hawg's just up the street from our place, mashed potatoes and broccoli and a 10 ounce rib eye, a fine meal in good company. We talked a little about girls and Richard and Doug talked about wanting to meet someone nice, to be connected to someone. I enjoyed my steak and their company. It isn't time for me to meet anyone right now. I nodded and smiled with them at their frustrations and their hopes. Richard described his ideal girl. "A nice woman, over fifty. Someone who knows where she has going and has something going for her." He had a nice, realistic vision of the woman he wanted to meet, and I have no doubt he'll find her. He's a solid, sensitive, interesting guy with a good sense of humor and stories to tell. It will be enjoyable to encourage and observe his progress. It's a good household we have here. Four considerate, mature working guys who pay their share and clean the bathroom sink, and no drama. I'm happy enough. The steak was cooked perfectly and I had a good workout after work. Tomorrow I'm watching the OSU football game with Doug, the season opener at Stanford.

I think Gretchen is mistaken about the dropped calls. Dropped calls have a distinct sound and handset display. "Call failed." "No network." The problem with my phone is real, but so are the problems of communication that plague us even when the phone works. I believe Marie when she tells me she isn't dating anyone else. But she isn't dating me either. She doesn't come to see me, and she doesn't invite me to come to see her. Too much hurt has happened. Love doesn't live here anymore.

So now the right question is, how do I heal, grow and accept? She was the most beautiful and memorable woman I've ever known. But we're not together anymore.