I'm not broke: there's half a box of fishsticks in the freezer

Sometimes, it comes down to the last box of fish sticks. I've never been good with money, as we have seen. Here at blog central we've been known to spend our last five dollars on a banana, a chocolate milk, the USA Today and a Red Box movie, and do so on Wednesday with two days to payday. Somehow I always make it, whether if it's scraping up the change in the sock drawer or returning the pop cans on the back porch. I've had some close scrapes on bill due dates but I've never gone hungry, and it's possible to do a lot worse.

They also tell me it's possible to budget and plan ahead, and not live with such small desperations, but where's the sense of adventure in that? I enjoy the creative financing and the small challenges. You haven't lived until you've discovered a dollar you didn't know you had, and celebrated with a hot fudge sundae at McDonalds. When Stephanie was growing up there was a $1 movie theatre downtown, and we went there pretty much every time she came to visit. We saw Top Gun 13 times, and had a wonderful time each and every time. The volleyball scene was her favorite, a ten-year-old gaga over Tom Cruise's washboard abs. Doug and Gretchen have been very successful in their life, and they've worked hard to get there, but one of my favorites of their stories is the time as young marrieds when they were barely scraping by on Doug's Air Force paycheck, doing laundry at the laundromat on a boiling hot Oklahoma Sunday, and they found a $20 bill in the parking lot. That is living, finding $20 when you don't have a dime. They've enjoyed meals since in some of the finest restaurants in Paris, but I bet nothing tasted as good as the goodies they bought that afternoon with found money.

Tomorrow is pay day and I'll be able to pay a few bills, buy next week's train pass and maybe join Doug for a bottle of wine. Marie and I will have a little date on Saturday and maybe some attention, and then it will be back to work, to trade in another 40 hours of my dwindling allotment of time in exchange for 10 trash cans of the company's money. It passes fairly well and I always feel I've earned it at the end of the day. We're all lucky to have jobs, even though some Mondays it doesn't feel that way.

Marie sent me some pretty good links for jobs in my field at a good rate of pay, which I'll respond to tomorrow. We're supposed to get our stimulus check in the mail in a couple more weeks, so we could have a new home by Christmas. If I can find work here I won't have to go to Oak Harbor, taking the severance pay instead. I'd rather have her to hold and not have to eat my fish sticks alone. I always forget to buy the cocktail sauce. She remembers things like that. And the Red Box movies are always more fun when you have someone to watch them with. Even if she falls asleep twenty minutes into the movie. She snores. But it's cute when she does it. In "Good Will Hunting" Robin Williams' character is reminiscing about his dead wife, and he says "it's the imperfections, the little quirks that endear you to a person." The quote isn't exact, but that's the essence of it, and it's true. You love someone in a hundred little ways, and there are all these strings of memory and appreciation and acceptance that tie you together, and that's a good, sustaining thing. It's wonderful to be with someone you would give your last fish stick for. It's wonderful to belong. I'd rather have that than $5000. I'd rather have that than $50,000. But I wouldn't mind finding a $20 bill tomorrow on the way to work.

There's no word yet from Marie's doctor, and I urged her to call and get an update. There may be a simple explanation for the discharge; she doesn't have a lump or pain or any other symptoms, but it would be nice to get some information and reassurance, the results of the mammogram and a little follow up. Doctors are too stingy with information, and the lack of information is what leads people to worry. We have Kaiser right now, and one of the things I appreciate about Kaiser generally is that they do a good job of empowering the patient and making them a partner in their own health care. It's a very patient-friendly approach, and I think a key to keeping health care costs under control. Give people choices and information and encourage them to make intelligent ones. Let them participate in the process, and spend their health care dollars wisely. For next year I chose a plan with a high deductible and a flexible spending account; it keeps my costs down and gives me more control over the money. It's the perfect choice for someone who never goes to the doctor unless he has a kiwi fruit growing out of his ribcage.

But I feel blessed. The lump wasn't fatal, I didn't lose my gloves or stocking cap, it's 10:30 and I'll get a good night's sleep, and my belly is full of fish sticks. Tomorrow night I'll live it up with a slice of pizza and a USA Today. But if I don't go to the gym I want you to shoot me: I haven't been since Monday. Lucky I walk five miles a day or I'd weigh 400 pounds.