Storm Watch 2008!--Doug is a funny guy.

Half of the country has several feet of snow every winter, and some parts nearly continuously from November to April, but here in Portland if we get half an inch it's time for panic. Schools and businesses close. The entire city goes into lockdown. The news channels go into around-the-clock live remote story-of-the- century mode, with live reporters on every overpass and in every truck stop, especially in Troutdale, where it's always a little colder and more severe.

The coverage is breathless, with lots of satellite updates and cutaways to reporters in the field. An invasion from outer space would not be more serious. Here is an example of how it goes:

Get ready for STORM WATCH 2008! Every flake of snow will be reported! Reporters are being dispatched to every overpass and hill. Our least favorite guy is being sent out to Troutdale! Remember the ice is very slippery and don't go out unless you have to. First, live and local, we will be their first. And if a tree crashes into your house, we will be there to ask you how you feel...

I am standing in front of the house where a tree crashed earlier today, and as you can see, here is the yellow tape.


Doug sent me an email with the rest of the on-the-spot coverage:

Don't forget the "Exclusive, only on (enter station here)" -- it's very important to be the only station to ask some toothless moron, with the IQ of a grapefruit, what happened.

Anchor: In a story you'll see only on News Channel Eight, our ace reporter, Pete Parka, brings you live coverage of where a tree fell.
Reporter: That's right Laurel, I am talking here with a neighbor of the family who lives in the house surrounded by yellow tape. As you can see, the tape is really yellow. Because it is so dark, yoiu cannot actually see where the tree fell, but you can see the tape. I am talking with Michelle Moron, who lives next door to the house with the yellow tape around it. Michell, what happened?
Interviewee: I heard this noise while me and my sister were countin our food stamps and drinkin' beer. When I came out to see what happened, that tree over there had fallen through the roof of my neighbor's house. It was really scary to think like somethin' like that could happen in our neighborhood.
Reporter: As you can see, it is not snowing, right now, but some did fall earlier. Do you think that the one-quarter of inch of snow that accumulated earier today is responsible for the tree falling?
Interviewee: Oh, I am sure of it. This type of thing usually does not happen, here. The snow added a lot of weight to the tree.
Reporter: Do you worry about this type of thing happening to your house?
Interviewee: Yeah, I am really nervous about it. This weather is crazy. I don't know what I'd do if that happens to our place. I feel so helpless. If it snows more, I don't think that I'll be able to sleep.
Reporter: Were you able to talk to your neighbor after the tree fell, or was it too slippery to get all the way over here?
Interviewee: No, I did not actually talk to him. He usally keeps to himself.
Reporter: Did you see him come out of his house after the free fell?
Interviewee: Nope.
(zoom in on reporter) Reporter: Laurel, we attempted to contact the man with the yellow tape around his house. He was not available. At this time, we don't know if his unknown whereabouts were caused by today's earlier snowfall. The best advice we have is to check for trees that might fall should they be weighed down by snow. Although it all melted, the snow that fell here, earlier today, was cold and slippery. This usually causes a lot anxiety for Michelle and her sister about driving down to buy lottery tickets and beer. Now, neighborhood residents have a nee worry — trees falling through their houses, causing untold damage and leaving them vulnerable to the weather. Back to you, Laurel.
Laural: Thanks, Pete, for that exclusive report, live from the scene of a fallen tree, where snow fell earlier today. Remember, despite the risk of a tree falling on your house, experts advise that you should stay home and not go out unless you have to. Next, Matt will tell us if we can expect more wintry weather.


---So if we're snowed in tomorrow and life is about to end, I will feel much more secure I once had funny friends that made it worthwhile, before the collapse of civilization due to our severe winter storm.

I hope wherever you are you are prepared for STORM WATCH 2008! and all the storms that follow.