Random observations on a life gone wrong:
Later that night when I was at work Marie sent me a text message. "I wish you would come home," it said.
I called her on my lunch break. "I can come home, but things have to be different. It can't be crazy and dehumanizing anymore."
So after work I drove home. She was in bed when I got there and I kissed her and we went to sleep. It had been an exhausting, stress-packed day.
We keep trying. We keep forgiving each other. We keep hoping things will be different. I guess we have to be different.
I feel so much pressure and uncertainty over money I never stop worrying. Today I got an email from Kaiser telling me I was unqualified for their patient specialist position. Five year's customer service experience and a college degree, and I'm not qualified for a screening interview.
It's a tough world. I'm not sure I'm qualified to be a husband either. I know I love Marie, but I'm not very good at loving her.
The donks are beating my head it at the poker tables right now. I am the undisputed king of losing with a 4-1 advantage. 88 vs. 22, ace-ace vs. ace-five suited--it doesn't matter when you're running bad. No lead is safe. No amount of patience and calculation will survive the onslaught of the next heartbreak river. It will turn around in the long run, but in the long run we'll all be dead.
At least then I won't have to worry about jobs and budgets and complicated love. To sleep, perchance to dream. The rub is, I have to get through fifteen more Februaries before I can retire. I already feel old enough. Maybe I could qualify for some kind of mental disability. Insanity, after all, is repeating the same behaviors and expecting things to change.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
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This is the Way the Transformation Begins
"Some men see things as they are and say why? I dream things that never were and say "Why not?"
George Bernard Shaw, Robert F. Kennedy
This is the way the transformation begins.
It begins in me.
It begins now.
It begins with small incremental changes and shifts in attitude
it begins with positive action
failing forward
and suddenly I start looking at the world and my place in it in a new way. I speak differently and dress differently and project a different energy, and the world opens up like a glorious pink azalea bush, eight feet tall and blooming like mad.
photo by Kajo123 from the website flickr.com
Good morning!
An engineer builds a bridge and every bolt and weld has to be exactly right; every measure has to be perfect, or the bridge collapses or fails to take its place. Fantastically detailed blueprints have to be laid out. Impact statements have to be filed, sediment has to be studied, years of effort, months of planning, and a man-made marvel rises in the sky. Park somewhere and take a good look at a bridge, and think of all the skill and knowledge and hard honest work it took to create it. Consider how a few thousand years ago we were living in caves.
It is not so with a dream. Some people are remarkable dreamers and dreams spring whole from them, or they can leap up from bed and pages of creative genius flow out of their pen, intricate and perfect. Most of us though are baby dreamers, new at it and tentative to the trust the power of what we wish for.
Start the dream! Whether you want to go to nursing school or college or learn to play the guitar, take a first step, now, even in the wrong direction. Don't wait for the blueprint to come to you, the environmental impact statement, the permits and the 200-page budget and legislative dream approval. Rough it out, sketch it on a napkin, tell a friend, and take action. Your dream begins the moment you step out in first moment of believing, and the result can touch a thousand souls. Listen to Jim Valvano: never give up, never surrender. Believe in the audacity of action and your fantastic potential for change and new opportunity.
It is not so with a dream. Some people are remarkable dreamers and dreams spring whole from them, or they can leap up from bed and pages of creative genius flow out of their pen, intricate and perfect. Most of us though are baby dreamers, new at it and tentative to the trust the power of what we wish for.
Start the dream! Whether you want to go to nursing school or college or learn to play the guitar, take a first step, now, even in the wrong direction. Don't wait for the blueprint to come to you, the environmental impact statement, the permits and the 200-page budget and legislative dream approval. Rough it out, sketch it on a napkin, tell a friend, and take action. Your dream begins the moment you step out in first moment of believing, and the result can touch a thousand souls. Listen to Jim Valvano: never give up, never surrender. Believe in the audacity of action and your fantastic potential for change and new opportunity.
The Hawthorne Bridge at sunrise, Portland Oregon. Photo by Joe Collver, from flickr.com
Genuine happiness and success start with an attitude of abundance
Make it a daily practice to begin your day with five minutes of thankfulness. You can even do it in your car on the way to work. Do it in your own way, whether it's thoughtful reflection or a prayer or singing out loud, but focus on your rich, amazing, abundant life.
Feeling grumpy or resentful or worried instead of thankful? Change direction! Consider the incredible gifts you have--mind, body, spirit, senses, your family, your friends, your clothes, your car, and the breakfast you enjoyed this morning. By the standards of 99% of the world, Americans are incredibly, amazingly rich. You truly have no idea how richly blessed you are until you start thinking about it. Even the heart that beats within you and the lungs that breathe your air are an intricate and amazing miracle.
Some of my favorite movies are ones that feature a once-defeated character waking up to an absolutely new day: "It's A Wonderful Life," the various versions of Dicken's "Christmas Carol" and "Groundhog Day." How exhilarating it is for George Bailey to wake up and realize his life isn't over, it's just beginning, and that today truly is a brand new day.
"It's a Wonderful Life"
George returns home to everything he ever wanted.
2 comments:
Dad---
You're hurting MY head!!! Just kidding. I'm sorry things with you and Marie are so confusing. Money, or lack of, can make relationships harder. I didn't know you were looking for another job, probably looking for more pay right? We are getting ready to start teaching E-man the ABC's and I've been shopping on E-bay for new clothes for Elizabeth. I'm coming down to Portland on the 20th (Saturday) but we are just going to dinner with Grammy and Grandpa (at the Ring Side yummy!!!) and heading home again on Sunday. Maybe if you're around I can try to see you on Sunday morning before we head out. Tom wanted to be able to say goodbye to the family before he deploys and Grammy and Grandpa are the coolest people on earth, and yummy dinner makes everything worth driving 6 hours. We're getting the taxes back soon, and then we get to shop for fun deployment stuff he gets to take with him (laptops, video camera, and other not so fun stuff magazine clips, more bullet proofing stuff, water thingys). I don't really know as it's all military speak but I do get to buy my new bedroom set from Ikea so Tom can get whatever he wants!!!
Me
Hi Steff--
The Ringside is a great place for sendoff dinner. Tell your grandparents I said hi. Have fun shopping. I'll try to post up another update soon. The working title is, "I don't want to go to work--can I poke myself in the eye with a sharp stick instead?
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