The Back Yard Olympics (III)

I encourage you to host a Backyard Olympics of your own this summer, and if you want you can send us the results and some on-the-spot reporting and poignant backstory. Instill friendly competition and laughter into your family life, like Family Game Nights where the winner is declared Undisputed Winner Champion of All Time and showered with a chorus of whoo hoos; kazoos, blowout party rollers (what are they really called?) and confetti optional.

There are only a few rules to the Backyard Olympics. The television has to be turned off and all family members have to participate in the course layout, including grumpy I-know-everything-this-is-so-retarded-you-are-ruining-my-life teenagers. The Backyard Olympics is good for them, like broccoli, and they have to try some and take their own dishes to the sink. Or go to their room hungry and miserable with no electronic devices. If you start traditions like this earlier in their lives you will have less trouble with them, although some is inevitable.

The other rules are simple and fairly flexible. Choose your own events, have fun, and begin the games on the deck with a full-throated "dah dah da da dah dah dah" version of the Olympic theme sung in unison by all participants. Theatrical play by play and excessive celebrations are encouraged. To take the disaster factor out of the golf event, consider using plastic wiffle balls. The rest of the rules are up to you. Do not consult a doctor before playing. The laughter you're about to have is far better medicine than anything they will exorbitantly bill you for. Your health plan doesn't cover the Backyard Olympics, but it should.

I've talked long enough. I need to take a shower. Before I go, these are the first-day results from Applegate Arena high above Selah Washington and the scenic Yakima Valley, where Ethan Joseph Applegate won a platinum medal in all events, watching from his jumper seat, awarded for extreme and superior cuteness. He took it all in with wide-eyed glee and kicked off his baby blanket eight times. Results below, with brief comments.

The anticipation was high in Applegate stadium this Saturday afternoon as renowned singing star and international recording artist Kourtney led the participants in the singing of the Olympic theme from the spacious Applegate deck.

A crackling aura of tension on their faces, in the moment they'd dreamed of and prepared for for so long, the players took their marks in the first event, the Horseshoe Throw. Each player had three sets of three throws each, and as the pressure mounted and the bad bounces of the uncut lawn were endured, the 52-year-old veteran from Colton Oregon emerged as the winner:

Event 1 Horseshoe Throw
Gold Grandpa Golf 2 pts
Silver Kourtney Rose 1 pts*
Bronze Stephanie 0 pts

(Kourtney received the Olympic Committee asterisk for excessive skooching forward from the starting line)

Vowing to avenge her embarassing loss in the horseshoe pit, the strong-willed mother of two, Stephanie Applegate, a 1996 graduate of Centennial High in Gresham Oregon, thrilled the onlookers with a steely-eyed missle into the corner of the goal on the second round of sudden death to garner the gold in "Bend It Like Beckham:"

Event 2 "Bend It Like Beckham" Soccer Corner Kick
Gold Stephanie 3 pts (in second round of Sudden death goal-off)
Silver Grandpa Golf 2 pts
Bronze Kourtney 0 pts

The spirit of the intense and demanding competition was rising as The Games moved to the third event, the golf competition, to be held on the grueling 3-hole 36-yard Applegate Country Club golf links, a treacherous 3-par montrosity with a fence, a testy rock garden and one lazy cat guarding the elusive white kitty litter lid. Players were awarded 1 point for closest to the pin on each hole, 2 points for landing their shot within a club length of the target and three points for the coveted lid-in-one, which no players earned today. Two players were all tied going to the final hole, when the crafty veteran in the Green and Yellow cap with the fighting crabby duck on the front carefully executed his preshot routine and lasered a masterful 12-yard shot within 2 feet of the pin to secure victory. The ever-combative Beaver fan Stephanie had one more try but it bled weakly off the tee, and the gold at Applegate Links was secured:

Event 3 Golf, Historic Applegate Golf Links
Gold Grandpa Golf 3 pts
Silver Stephanie 2 pts
Bronze Kourtney 0 pts

The story of the day in the Bocci ball arena was the plucky comeback of the competition's youngest entrant, Kourtney Rose Silver from John Campbell Grade School in Selah, Washington. Shut out of the top medals in earlier events, Kourtney fought off her disappointment to launch a spectacular bocci throw within inches of the yellow ball on her final toss. Sadly, Grandpa Golf was completely overwhelmed in bocci, having never played the game before and repeatedly stepping into a hole the dogs had dug in the backyard, aggravating his trick knee. Each shot was an agony, and though he produced several fine throws, his distaff opponents were simply too tough in this event. The suspicious skooching behavior manifested in the horseshoe event reared its ugly head in this event as well, but no official protests were logged with the Olympic Committee.

Event 4 Bocci Ball
Gold Stephanie 2 pts
Silver Kourtney 1 pts
Bronze Grandpa Golf 0 pts

Stung by complete failure in Bocci Ball, the wizened Oldster came to the final event vowing revenge on the badminton court, and rode an 11-0 service run in the early moments of the competition to a 15-4 victory, with multi-platinum medal winner Ethan coaching from the sidelines with wide eyes and supportive blanket kicking.

Event 5 Badminton, Team competition, Center Court, Picturesque Applegate Stadium
Gold Boys 15, Silver Girls 4

The final event, singles badminton, was suspended with a 29-29 tie when the second badminton birdie got stuck on the roof. Heroic measures were taken to rescue the errant shuttlecocks, involving a dining room chair and a rake, but by then the competitors were hungry and retired to the living room for snacks and a screening of the Disney epic "Hercules" an inspiring story of true love and heroism in ancient Greece, the birthplace of the Olympic Games. The Olympic Tradition was well served today and all the players should be very proud of their efforts:

Singles Badminton, Center Court,Picturesque Applegate Stadium
Gold Kourtney Silver 29,
Gold Grandpa Golf 29