My life in 3-word sentences

Born in shame. German girl mother. 16 and rebellious. Father long dead. Sacrificed to war. Poor ravaged country. Crisp Khaki uniforms. Hershey bar pockets. Sinatra and Presley. Glamor of America. Mother devout Catholic. Horrified and helpless. Handsome soldier, penniless. Precocious rebellious teen. Fascinated by America. Only an idea. Not a place. Something from movies. Clean hopeful place. Streets of money. And John Wayne. Broad shouldered soldier. Holding a rose. She fell, seduced. Panicked and pregnant. Imagine the scandal. Outrage and embarrassment. Painful for all. Army, nations, families. Covered in disgrace. Not yet 17. A school girl. In plaid skirt. And wool sweater. Riding the streetcar. To sneak away. To the American. Mother wracked, helpless. Though liked him. Pregnancy horribly wrong. No options really. This was 1955. A hasty wedding. Late in September. Wrinkled pudgy baby. Just weeks later. In knit cap. Crying and helpless. The Army hospital. Whispers among staff. The paperwork said. "Mother resident alien." "Father American national." Private first class. A hasty discharge. And slow boat ride. Slower train ride. Across oceans, mountains. Distant and unfamiliar. The colicky baby. And German-English dictionary. Clutched tight, terrified. Her thick accent. The rushing crowds. Hopeless, broke, alone. To join him. Across continents, oceans. On a farm. Sagebrush and dirt. Cupboard with mice. A cramped trailer. Her life now. Far from Presley. Sinatra, Hershey bars. Memories and dreams. A desolate reality. Eastern Oregon desert. Dirt farms, manure. No money, prospects. Husband big dreams. Coarse, angry man. Angry at life. Suspicious and friendless. Hated bosses, races. Authority, rules, banks. Buried his money. In coffee cans. Forgot where they were. A giant chip. And lingering bitterness. Poisoned his life. And ours too. Doomed to failure. By his blindness. Worked furiously hard. But no plan. And little grace. Embittered and angry. Abusive, unfaithful, ungenerous. Life in America. Homesick and alone. Imagine this, friend. How to endure. What possible hope. Imagine the courage. My earliest memories. My mother, alone. Over the sink. Crying and sobbing. In German, alone. How to endure.

More children followed. Five more quickly. Brink of failure. Electricity shut off. Stern foreclosure notices. Creditors brusk visits. Husband a wanderer. Job to job. Place to place. Woman to woman. She finds condoms. Condoms, why now. After six kids. He buys condoms. Presents for them. Notes, phone numbers. Aqua Velva bottles. Crisp white shirts. She ironed painstakingly. Going to town. Angry quarrels, manipulation. Coarse demands, roughness. But always promises. No choice really. Had to go on. She cooked, cleaned. Worked the farm. Amidst two miscarriages. Three in diapers. Three in school. Children wary, clinging. Fearing his rage. Streams of profanity. Belt in hand. Angry, ugly man.

But the bravery! She'd roast weenies. Cooking fire outdoors. Boil bath water. Hand scrub laundry. Kitchen still spotless. Ragged old farmhouse. Sagebrush and sand. Cows were milked. Before school, chores. Each child scrubbed. Handed down shirts. Made it somehow. Endured. Long letters home. Brown paper packages. Wrapped in twine. The crisp handwriting. Real German chocolate. And Eduscho Coffee. Her whole pension. Every other month. She never forgot. Saved every picture. My grandmother, Therese. Met only once.

The children grew. As children do. In 1966, changes. Got her first job. Away from home. At a truckstop. A Umatilla cafe. 1.65 an hour. My sister Therese. Feeding the babies. Drawing their bath. "Be good kids. I'll bring treats." A Mounds bar. From her tips. Quarters in jar. For groceries, gas. Husband building dam. John Day Dam. Hells Canyon Dam. Driving semi truck. Welding, carpentry, explosive. The Alaska Pipeline. Gone then home. Boom then bust. Bring in crops. 8 years old. Driving farm trucks. Backward and odd. Awkward at school. The fear showed. Like a stench.

Trip to Germany. With my mother. At age 12. Just us two. Jet over pole. PanAm to London. Stewardesses showering snacks. Blankets and pillows. Ginger ale rivers. Above the clouds. London, long wait. Lufthansa to Frankfurt. My German uncle. Racing the autoban. Rapid, excited talk. Home and reunion. I spoke little. Just nein, ya. Danke, thank you. Gut morgen Oma. She spoiled me. The miracle Grandson. Grown and handsome. In her eyes. Just like father. Don't say that. I shuddered inwardly. Knowing by then. Coarse sordid truth. Felt his rage. Betrayal, hypocrisy, crudity. Didn't respect him. How could I. Lectures, random cruelty. Puzzling dark memories. Secrets and lies. With the babysitter. While we're away. It never ended.

New resolve then. My mother applied. Granted a scholarship! Manpower, Training and Development Act of 1967. An LBJ legacy. The Great Society. Empowering the poor. Tested for placement. Bright and resilient. Entire day testing. She won grant. Blue Mountain Community. Two year program. Accounting and business. Graduated with honors. Cap and gown. Six proud kids. Hope and possiblity. Finally real job! Pacific Fruit and Produce. Meet our bookkeeper. Rosemarie Newton, graduate. Fiercely intelligent, strong. Determined and courageous. She left him. Moved to town. Pendleton, Ladow street. She took him back. They made another baby. Now seven home. I'm 15, 1970. Kristy is born. Mom worked, drove home in her yellow Volkwagen, said kids, "I'm going to have the baby now. Therese, you bathe the little kids. I'll call you when the baby comes." Nine months pregnant. My brother rode his bike with the banana seat to the hospital. "She has black hair and blue eyes."

Old man gone. Pipeline in Alaska. We wrote letters. Then in Idaho. Another affair there. We called her. Why did you? "I'm a decent person." She told us. A master manipulator. Mom took him back. Ardent love, promises. Loud violent arguments. Shame and humiliation. I hated him. I realized now. A difficult secret. Chaotic, tumultuous life. Tortuous, uncertain upbring. Eager to please. All six Newtons. Straight A students. Eager to escape. Painfully, incredibly sad. All the shame. Hiding, laying low. In our rooms. To the ballfield. Anywhere but here. Ran the mile. A school record. In junior high. Always running further. As far as I could. Four word sentence. So sue me. The rest tomorrow. The Mother's courage. In grim circumstances. Refusing to surrender. Imagine the devotion. Character and will.