Stuck in Nuetral, Behind a Bus

Some of the city buses in Portland have a bumper sticker on them that say "thanks to me there are 265 cars that are not on the road today." The exact number does not matter. My friend Doug, who always has a funny story or three, told me a while back about a bumper sticker he saw that said, "Thanks to me and 264 other drivers, there is one bus that is not on the road today." If you have ever been behind that bus, you know exactly what he means. They are slow and smelly and stop every two blocks and hog the road. You can't see around them and often can't pass them, because no one else wants to be behind a bus either. Oh I know all about the benefits of mass transit and the dangers of global warming but that is scant comfort when you're driving and it takes 15 minutes to go 3 blocks. "Damn this traffic jam. How I hate to be late," James Taylor sang, and he was right. Maybe I should park somewhere and get on the bus. Wait, you've got to have a pass, or use exact change. All I have is a fiver. Here's your ticket. Why isn't the bus moving. It's time for my layover. Union rules.

The last few days have been stuck behind the bus days. Really, the last few months have. They've been days you cut yourself shaving and drop your phone and the first customer you help is screaming and irrational and personalizes their small problem to a large hurtful rant and it goes on like this until your break and you realize you forgot your lunch, check your wallet and your pockets and you've got 1.85 between your pockets and the ash tray of your car. So it's a bag of peanuts and a Three Musketeers bar and lots of coffee. The coffee machine's busted. The repair man will be here tomorrow. Stuck in nuetral, behind the bus.

When I start having days like this I realize it's time to take stock of my life and check my attitudes, because something is clearly getting me stuck over and over in the same place, and I'm defeating myself with bad choices and poorly focused attention. As you may know from visiting here previously Marie and I have been separated 5 months now, and we haven't been able to get back together because living apart has been a financial drain and emotional hardship and we had issues and conflicts to began with. Habits attitudes and history have kept us stuck, and inspite of tremendous and obvious affection for each other our troubles and needs and conflicts and the simple yet complicated business of earning a living and keeping thing together has us feeling overwhelmed and stuck. It's a big knot of small issues and entanglements and misunderstandings, plus $250 security deposits and first and last and an unpaid electric bill. We're trying to talk it out but the cell phone drops the call. It goes on like that.

I'm tired of being stuck, and I'm tired of living without her. We have multiple issues and lots of complications, but we're stronger together than we are apart. Beginning today I'm going to break the logjam, no matter what it takes. I'd rather fail spectacularly than stay stuck in nuetral. I'm turning right at the next block and heading in a different direction.

At times like this people pray for guidance. When the great scientist and innovator George Washington Carver was a young man he had big dreams. He rose from poverty and slavery and wanted with all his heart to learn and create. He said he prayed fervently to learn the mysteries of creation. "Lord, I prayed." Carver said, "I want to know the mind of God. And God answered me, 'let's start with a peanut.'" So Carver listened, and revolutionized Southern agriculture with his inventions and patents and ideas, like peanut butter and crop rotation. A remarkable life with many achievements, from a man born in the worst imaginable circumstances. Hope, faith, education, and determination changed his life and through him, the course of history.

My poverty and slavery is born of bad decisions, and I want to change it beginning now. I don't want to know the mind of God, just the will of God, and I believe it starts with reuniting my family. Today I'm putting three ads on Craigslist. I'm selling both computers, the monitor, our second car. Then I'm selling a few hundred dollars I have of company stock. We'll pay our nagging bills and find an apartment. I don't want to be without her anymore. I need her help.

I'm writing this from the lobby of a Starbucks in Wilsonville. The Wheeler internet hasn't been working for some reason so I came here with Marie and bought a daypass from my least favorite wireless company. The cell phone bill was $185 this month and yesterday I had 10 dropped calls or "no network" notifications, including two I made to customer care to cancel my service. A $185 to not make phone calls and now I'm paying them 9.95 to use the Internet for one day. I really am an idiot.

So I'll be writing every day but I may not blog for a while. I let you know how it goes, maybe with an occasional visit to the library. In the meantime I'll have to write the old fashioned way, with pencil and paper. It's time to get to work and stop whining.