In the dark night of the soul on Friday night, I sent an email to Marie, and Saturday afternoon she sent a reply.
________________________________________________________
Marie,
Not taking or returning my calls is hurtful and mean.
You going out to bars when we are still married, 2 and 3 nights a week, is not okay. You wouldn't accept that from me.
I try to help you. I did a nice thing for you today, and I did it because I care about you, and I've done that several times.
You could at least show some respect and compassion, and be honest with me, and try to understand when I express fear or insecurity. This has been very hard on everyone.
Storing up resentments and throwing them in my face makes things so much worse.
I wish you still cared for me and wanted to be with me. But you don't act like you do. And that really, really hurts.
I love you and I am sorry things have turned out so badly. I am sorry for my part in the fight, and the ways I've failed you as a husband.
Marie, I don't think you can get over my leaving. I only left because we had such terrible bad fights. I've always loved you and I always will, and I don't want to be with anyone else and haven't been, but you have so much hurt. I am so sorry for the way things have turned out.
I feel awful. I'm sorry we have gone through so much and your life is so uncertain right now. I wish I could fix it and heal the hurts between us.
Please forgive me. I know we probably will never be together again, but I am filled with sadness for us to dislike each other or not be able to talk.
I love you so much and want the best for you. I wish you happiness and peace.
take care and I'm sorry
Dale
___________________________________________________
Dale,
I am sorry I didn't return your call last night. I love you and am just devastated by all the pain we have caused each other. I am really sad that you have apparently given up on us. Your blog entry was pretty emphatic. I am surprised that you can flip so dramatically in a matter of a few hours. You wrote this email @ 12:16 and the blog @ 1:30. What happened in that period of time?
As far as trying harder, I have been trying. I think you should allow to be human. Heaven knows I have more than my share of fears and insecurities. Most of the time instead of reassuring me, you just get angry and impatient with me and then I am just more upset.
I think the part of the blog about the "stunning woman" at Alyssa's graduation is misleading. The fact is, you had not returned MY phone calls for days prior to your entry about said woman. I had no way to contact you other than your workplace. Yes, I was enraged by you ignoring me, you writing about another woman and you having sold your wedding ring.
I will not phone or text you as it would be futile since your phone will be in the drawer. I don't think I will read your blog anymore either, it would be too painful.
I understand your decision to remove your wedding ring, it will make it easier to move on with your life. Giving up on us will be the most difficult thing I will ever do. We had so much potential and really did love each other and have a great time when we weren't battling our demons. God, I hate that the demons won...
I really do care about you and want you to be happy. I wish we could be happy together but that doesn't seem possible. I know losing you will cause me a deep, soul wrenching wound that will always be with me. God, why does it have to be this way? I hope we can stay in contact and resolve our problems in a civilized manor. I don't want to cause you any more pain and I really do like and love you and know you are a good man.
I feel so lost right now, as you know in many ways I am still a little girl who needs her daddy. I miss my daddy. Thank you for helping me out financially, I know you don't have to. I do appreciate your help, you have always been very generous. Thank you for your kindness.
Take care of yourself and know that I did and do love you and wish you well.
Marie
____________________________________________
Marie,
i just want you to know--I'm not angry with you. I'm lonely and hurt
--- Dale
Sunday, September 14, 2008
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This is the Way the Transformation Begins
"Some men see things as they are and say why? I dream things that never were and say "Why not?"
George Bernard Shaw, Robert F. Kennedy
This is the way the transformation begins.
It begins in me.
It begins now.
It begins with small incremental changes and shifts in attitude
it begins with positive action
failing forward
and suddenly I start looking at the world and my place in it in a new way. I speak differently and dress differently and project a different energy, and the world opens up like a glorious pink azalea bush, eight feet tall and blooming like mad.
photo by Kajo123 from the website flickr.com
Good morning!
An engineer builds a bridge and every bolt and weld has to be exactly right; every measure has to be perfect, or the bridge collapses or fails to take its place. Fantastically detailed blueprints have to be laid out. Impact statements have to be filed, sediment has to be studied, years of effort, months of planning, and a man-made marvel rises in the sky. Park somewhere and take a good look at a bridge, and think of all the skill and knowledge and hard honest work it took to create it. Consider how a few thousand years ago we were living in caves.
It is not so with a dream. Some people are remarkable dreamers and dreams spring whole from them, or they can leap up from bed and pages of creative genius flow out of their pen, intricate and perfect. Most of us though are baby dreamers, new at it and tentative to the trust the power of what we wish for.
Start the dream! Whether you want to go to nursing school or college or learn to play the guitar, take a first step, now, even in the wrong direction. Don't wait for the blueprint to come to you, the environmental impact statement, the permits and the 200-page budget and legislative dream approval. Rough it out, sketch it on a napkin, tell a friend, and take action. Your dream begins the moment you step out in first moment of believing, and the result can touch a thousand souls. Listen to Jim Valvano: never give up, never surrender. Believe in the audacity of action and your fantastic potential for change and new opportunity.
It is not so with a dream. Some people are remarkable dreamers and dreams spring whole from them, or they can leap up from bed and pages of creative genius flow out of their pen, intricate and perfect. Most of us though are baby dreamers, new at it and tentative to the trust the power of what we wish for.
Start the dream! Whether you want to go to nursing school or college or learn to play the guitar, take a first step, now, even in the wrong direction. Don't wait for the blueprint to come to you, the environmental impact statement, the permits and the 200-page budget and legislative dream approval. Rough it out, sketch it on a napkin, tell a friend, and take action. Your dream begins the moment you step out in first moment of believing, and the result can touch a thousand souls. Listen to Jim Valvano: never give up, never surrender. Believe in the audacity of action and your fantastic potential for change and new opportunity.
The Hawthorne Bridge at sunrise, Portland Oregon. Photo by Joe Collver, from flickr.com
Genuine happiness and success start with an attitude of abundance
Make it a daily practice to begin your day with five minutes of thankfulness. You can even do it in your car on the way to work. Do it in your own way, whether it's thoughtful reflection or a prayer or singing out loud, but focus on your rich, amazing, abundant life.
Feeling grumpy or resentful or worried instead of thankful? Change direction! Consider the incredible gifts you have--mind, body, spirit, senses, your family, your friends, your clothes, your car, and the breakfast you enjoyed this morning. By the standards of 99% of the world, Americans are incredibly, amazingly rich. You truly have no idea how richly blessed you are until you start thinking about it. Even the heart that beats within you and the lungs that breathe your air are an intricate and amazing miracle.
Some of my favorite movies are ones that feature a once-defeated character waking up to an absolutely new day: "It's A Wonderful Life," the various versions of Dicken's "Christmas Carol" and "Groundhog Day." How exhilarating it is for George Bailey to wake up and realize his life isn't over, it's just beginning, and that today truly is a brand new day.
"It's a Wonderful Life"
George returns home to everything he ever wanted.
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