There is no greater sorrow than being a disappointment to the one you love, particularly when that disappointment begins to destroy the fabric of your intimacy.
Every time Marie and I fight it feels like the last fight, like things have gotten so desperate and so divided and so excruciatingly painful we'll absolutely never recover. By now what keeps us together is the fear of uncertainty and a lingering memory of the better days and the hope we can reclaim them, but I hate it that we hurt each other, I hate to see the pain she is in, and I hate myself for causing it.
I think she has come to a place where I don't appeal to her anymore. I think it's gotten so bad the anger rises to the surface at the slightest provocation or trigger. I feel so alone and so defeated. I never meant for it to turn out like this. I love her very much. I wish I was better at it.
Sometimes I try to stand up for myself and make demands that we proceed with mutual respect, but I'm not a good negotiator, and I come off as unreasonable and manipulative and heavy-handed. I just want the best for us, and I want a love we can both trust. I don't want to fight anymore, at least not like that.
That's all I have to say right now. We've had an hour and a half to calm down, and I want to go home and apologize and make up. I hope she will let me and meet me halfway.
I don't think we are bad people. We've just made some mistakes, and we have some deep down lingering hurts that become stumbling blocks when we try to relate and work our way through the difficult times. It would help to be more financially secure and have less pressure and worry. Most of all it would help to break through our fears and regrets. I do love her with all my heart.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
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This is the Way the Transformation Begins
"Some men see things as they are and say why? I dream things that never were and say "Why not?"
George Bernard Shaw, Robert F. Kennedy
This is the way the transformation begins.
It begins in me.
It begins now.
It begins with small incremental changes and shifts in attitude
it begins with positive action
failing forward
and suddenly I start looking at the world and my place in it in a new way. I speak differently and dress differently and project a different energy, and the world opens up like a glorious pink azalea bush, eight feet tall and blooming like mad.
photo by Kajo123 from the website flickr.com
Good morning!
An engineer builds a bridge and every bolt and weld has to be exactly right; every measure has to be perfect, or the bridge collapses or fails to take its place. Fantastically detailed blueprints have to be laid out. Impact statements have to be filed, sediment has to be studied, years of effort, months of planning, and a man-made marvel rises in the sky. Park somewhere and take a good look at a bridge, and think of all the skill and knowledge and hard honest work it took to create it. Consider how a few thousand years ago we were living in caves.
It is not so with a dream. Some people are remarkable dreamers and dreams spring whole from them, or they can leap up from bed and pages of creative genius flow out of their pen, intricate and perfect. Most of us though are baby dreamers, new at it and tentative to the trust the power of what we wish for.
Start the dream! Whether you want to go to nursing school or college or learn to play the guitar, take a first step, now, even in the wrong direction. Don't wait for the blueprint to come to you, the environmental impact statement, the permits and the 200-page budget and legislative dream approval. Rough it out, sketch it on a napkin, tell a friend, and take action. Your dream begins the moment you step out in first moment of believing, and the result can touch a thousand souls. Listen to Jim Valvano: never give up, never surrender. Believe in the audacity of action and your fantastic potential for change and new opportunity.
It is not so with a dream. Some people are remarkable dreamers and dreams spring whole from them, or they can leap up from bed and pages of creative genius flow out of their pen, intricate and perfect. Most of us though are baby dreamers, new at it and tentative to the trust the power of what we wish for.
Start the dream! Whether you want to go to nursing school or college or learn to play the guitar, take a first step, now, even in the wrong direction. Don't wait for the blueprint to come to you, the environmental impact statement, the permits and the 200-page budget and legislative dream approval. Rough it out, sketch it on a napkin, tell a friend, and take action. Your dream begins the moment you step out in first moment of believing, and the result can touch a thousand souls. Listen to Jim Valvano: never give up, never surrender. Believe in the audacity of action and your fantastic potential for change and new opportunity.
The Hawthorne Bridge at sunrise, Portland Oregon. Photo by Joe Collver, from flickr.com
Genuine happiness and success start with an attitude of abundance
Make it a daily practice to begin your day with five minutes of thankfulness. You can even do it in your car on the way to work. Do it in your own way, whether it's thoughtful reflection or a prayer or singing out loud, but focus on your rich, amazing, abundant life.
Feeling grumpy or resentful or worried instead of thankful? Change direction! Consider the incredible gifts you have--mind, body, spirit, senses, your family, your friends, your clothes, your car, and the breakfast you enjoyed this morning. By the standards of 99% of the world, Americans are incredibly, amazingly rich. You truly have no idea how richly blessed you are until you start thinking about it. Even the heart that beats within you and the lungs that breathe your air are an intricate and amazing miracle.
Some of my favorite movies are ones that feature a once-defeated character waking up to an absolutely new day: "It's A Wonderful Life," the various versions of Dicken's "Christmas Carol" and "Groundhog Day." How exhilarating it is for George Bailey to wake up and realize his life isn't over, it's just beginning, and that today truly is a brand new day.
"It's a Wonderful Life"
George returns home to everything he ever wanted.
2 comments:
Dad--
I tell you I'm going to have to start reading the blog from the top down (I usually read by date). Yesterday things were good, today not good. There is an author I think you should check out. She writes amazing books on love, relationships, and intimacy, Harriet Lerner. She even has a PhD! Her books are supposed to be for women looking to improve their realtionships but I think that's only because it's rare when a man wants to or is willing to look at books to improve things. A good one the Dance of Anger, there's also the Dance of Intimacy and the Dance of Connection: How to talk to someone when you're mad, hurt, scared, frustrated, insulted, betrayed, or desperate (I think she wrote that book just for you!). Border's carries them and you can also get them as a set on Amazon.com for $30.93 with free shipping. If I had your address I sware I'd buy them for you myself. There's another on something about seven somethingorothers. I don't remember it, I have a call into my mom (she remembers everything, and for the record still has nice things to say about you sometimes hehehehe even though you can be an oaf). Anyway try those books if nothing else they are really interesting and I think you would really like them. Some great tips I sware and even better than Dr. Phil!
Me
Steff-
Those books sound like amazing resources. I think sometimes when we're angry we get to a place where we're embarrassed by our own behavior, and a kind of panic sets in, and all the sudden you begin feeling as though you have to cover the embarrassment with more outrage and more out of control loudness and outrage. It's as though you can't go backward so you plunge forward into the lost territory of the hurt within you, the scared child of your heart.
That's when we spiral into our own hurt and further and further from the person we want to be. I'll have to look for that book.
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