Are you seeing anyone else? is the wrong question.
If you have reached a place where you feel such a fundamental uncertainty about where you stand in a relationship, if you are that skittish and insecure and unfulfilled, it's too late to be asking.
The better question is, is this relationship a healthy and whole and fulfilling part of my life? Does this person make me feel better about myself, or worse? Do I like myself more when I'm around them? Do I feel trust, companionship and warmth in their presence? Am I optimistic and confident and encouraged when we spend time together? Do we spend enough time together? Are we growing? Are we meeting one another's needs? Do we trust each other? Do we heal and increase each other? Does the presence of the other bring me closer to God and the best that is within me, or do I feel fear and anxiety and frustration? Will they come when I call? Are they happy and eager to hear from me?
Tonight I worked out and played a little poker and had dinner with my roommates. We had the 7.95 steak special at Boss Hawg's just up the street from our place, mashed potatoes and broccoli and a 10 ounce rib eye, a fine meal in good company. We talked a little about girls and Richard and Doug talked about wanting to meet someone nice, to be connected to someone. I enjoyed my steak and their company. It isn't time for me to meet anyone right now. I nodded and smiled with them at their frustrations and their hopes. Richard described his ideal girl. "A nice woman, over fifty. Someone who knows where she has going and has something going for her." He had a nice, realistic vision of the woman he wanted to meet, and I have no doubt he'll find her. He's a solid, sensitive, interesting guy with a good sense of humor and stories to tell. It will be enjoyable to encourage and observe his progress. It's a good household we have here. Four considerate, mature working guys who pay their share and clean the bathroom sink, and no drama. I'm happy enough. The steak was cooked perfectly and I had a good workout after work. Tomorrow I'm watching the OSU football game with Doug, the season opener at Stanford.
I think Gretchen is mistaken about the dropped calls. Dropped calls have a distinct sound and handset display. "Call failed." "No network." The problem with my phone is real, but so are the problems of communication that plague us even when the phone works. I believe Marie when she tells me she isn't dating anyone else. But she isn't dating me either. She doesn't come to see me, and she doesn't invite me to come to see her. Too much hurt has happened. Love doesn't live here anymore.
So now the right question is, how do I heal, grow and accept? She was the most beautiful and memorable woman I've ever known. But we're not together anymore.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
This is the Way the Transformation Begins
"Some men see things as they are and say why? I dream things that never were and say "Why not?"
George Bernard Shaw, Robert F. Kennedy
This is the way the transformation begins.
It begins in me.
It begins now.
It begins with small incremental changes and shifts in attitude
it begins with positive action
failing forward
and suddenly I start looking at the world and my place in it in a new way. I speak differently and dress differently and project a different energy, and the world opens up like a glorious pink azalea bush, eight feet tall and blooming like mad.
photo by Kajo123 from the website flickr.com
Good morning!
An engineer builds a bridge and every bolt and weld has to be exactly right; every measure has to be perfect, or the bridge collapses or fails to take its place. Fantastically detailed blueprints have to be laid out. Impact statements have to be filed, sediment has to be studied, years of effort, months of planning, and a man-made marvel rises in the sky. Park somewhere and take a good look at a bridge, and think of all the skill and knowledge and hard honest work it took to create it. Consider how a few thousand years ago we were living in caves.
It is not so with a dream. Some people are remarkable dreamers and dreams spring whole from them, or they can leap up from bed and pages of creative genius flow out of their pen, intricate and perfect. Most of us though are baby dreamers, new at it and tentative to the trust the power of what we wish for.
Start the dream! Whether you want to go to nursing school or college or learn to play the guitar, take a first step, now, even in the wrong direction. Don't wait for the blueprint to come to you, the environmental impact statement, the permits and the 200-page budget and legislative dream approval. Rough it out, sketch it on a napkin, tell a friend, and take action. Your dream begins the moment you step out in first moment of believing, and the result can touch a thousand souls. Listen to Jim Valvano: never give up, never surrender. Believe in the audacity of action and your fantastic potential for change and new opportunity.
It is not so with a dream. Some people are remarkable dreamers and dreams spring whole from them, or they can leap up from bed and pages of creative genius flow out of their pen, intricate and perfect. Most of us though are baby dreamers, new at it and tentative to the trust the power of what we wish for.
Start the dream! Whether you want to go to nursing school or college or learn to play the guitar, take a first step, now, even in the wrong direction. Don't wait for the blueprint to come to you, the environmental impact statement, the permits and the 200-page budget and legislative dream approval. Rough it out, sketch it on a napkin, tell a friend, and take action. Your dream begins the moment you step out in first moment of believing, and the result can touch a thousand souls. Listen to Jim Valvano: never give up, never surrender. Believe in the audacity of action and your fantastic potential for change and new opportunity.
The Hawthorne Bridge at sunrise, Portland Oregon. Photo by Joe Collver, from flickr.com
Genuine happiness and success start with an attitude of abundance
Make it a daily practice to begin your day with five minutes of thankfulness. You can even do it in your car on the way to work. Do it in your own way, whether it's thoughtful reflection or a prayer or singing out loud, but focus on your rich, amazing, abundant life.
Feeling grumpy or resentful or worried instead of thankful? Change direction! Consider the incredible gifts you have--mind, body, spirit, senses, your family, your friends, your clothes, your car, and the breakfast you enjoyed this morning. By the standards of 99% of the world, Americans are incredibly, amazingly rich. You truly have no idea how richly blessed you are until you start thinking about it. Even the heart that beats within you and the lungs that breathe your air are an intricate and amazing miracle.
Some of my favorite movies are ones that feature a once-defeated character waking up to an absolutely new day: "It's A Wonderful Life," the various versions of Dicken's "Christmas Carol" and "Groundhog Day." How exhilarating it is for George Bailey to wake up and realize his life isn't over, it's just beginning, and that today truly is a brand new day.
"It's a Wonderful Life"
George returns home to everything he ever wanted.
No comments:
Post a Comment