The fear of not being interesting is a death knell for a writer's hopes, a sound borne on a howling wind of doubt, chill and paralyzing. You clutch at your coat, half mad, and wonder why you started in the first place, why this rash half-baked quest has come to such a lonely moment, hoping for some other fool to come along and lead you to a hovel, a shelter from the storm.
I began the blog because I cared about words and ideas. I wanted to say something and enlarge my purpose, touching others in some way. I started it also because I had things to work out. Originally I used it to declare my love for one woman to the world wide web, and now the two of us have reached such a low ebb that all that exists between us is an occasional tentative phone message. I know I tried. I accept what has happened, and now I'll start with moving on.
Don't misunderstand. Moving on doesn't mean jumping headlong into a new romance. God, that would be awful. Moving on means reordering my life and redirecting my energy. It means writing about a wider range of things, and hoping on a broader range of hopes. It means taking care of myself, my chores, my finances and my job, taking time to reconnect to my family and friends, striving for balance. I can't just hole up and play poker. I can't hide in the gym, or in books, or Duck football. I have to remember why I'm here and what's important. I have to remind myself every day.
For all our passion and intensity, it was never a functional relationship. We couldn't get along. Fear and doubt constantly plunged us into irrationality and craziness, loud talk and misery.
Still, I miss her. Any man would. She is an enticing and memorable woman. But silence and distance are a poor substitute for intimacy. Marie doesn't return my phone calls, though I'm paying for the phone. I give up.
Tomorrow, I promise, I'll write about something different. I'll try to be fearless, and as interesting as I can.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
This is the Way the Transformation Begins
"Some men see things as they are and say why? I dream things that never were and say "Why not?"
George Bernard Shaw, Robert F. Kennedy
This is the way the transformation begins.
It begins in me.
It begins now.
It begins with small incremental changes and shifts in attitude
it begins with positive action
failing forward
and suddenly I start looking at the world and my place in it in a new way. I speak differently and dress differently and project a different energy, and the world opens up like a glorious pink azalea bush, eight feet tall and blooming like mad.
photo by Kajo123 from the website flickr.com
Good morning!
An engineer builds a bridge and every bolt and weld has to be exactly right; every measure has to be perfect, or the bridge collapses or fails to take its place. Fantastically detailed blueprints have to be laid out. Impact statements have to be filed, sediment has to be studied, years of effort, months of planning, and a man-made marvel rises in the sky. Park somewhere and take a good look at a bridge, and think of all the skill and knowledge and hard honest work it took to create it. Consider how a few thousand years ago we were living in caves.
It is not so with a dream. Some people are remarkable dreamers and dreams spring whole from them, or they can leap up from bed and pages of creative genius flow out of their pen, intricate and perfect. Most of us though are baby dreamers, new at it and tentative to the trust the power of what we wish for.
Start the dream! Whether you want to go to nursing school or college or learn to play the guitar, take a first step, now, even in the wrong direction. Don't wait for the blueprint to come to you, the environmental impact statement, the permits and the 200-page budget and legislative dream approval. Rough it out, sketch it on a napkin, tell a friend, and take action. Your dream begins the moment you step out in first moment of believing, and the result can touch a thousand souls. Listen to Jim Valvano: never give up, never surrender. Believe in the audacity of action and your fantastic potential for change and new opportunity.
It is not so with a dream. Some people are remarkable dreamers and dreams spring whole from them, or they can leap up from bed and pages of creative genius flow out of their pen, intricate and perfect. Most of us though are baby dreamers, new at it and tentative to the trust the power of what we wish for.
Start the dream! Whether you want to go to nursing school or college or learn to play the guitar, take a first step, now, even in the wrong direction. Don't wait for the blueprint to come to you, the environmental impact statement, the permits and the 200-page budget and legislative dream approval. Rough it out, sketch it on a napkin, tell a friend, and take action. Your dream begins the moment you step out in first moment of believing, and the result can touch a thousand souls. Listen to Jim Valvano: never give up, never surrender. Believe in the audacity of action and your fantastic potential for change and new opportunity.
The Hawthorne Bridge at sunrise, Portland Oregon. Photo by Joe Collver, from flickr.com
Genuine happiness and success start with an attitude of abundance
Make it a daily practice to begin your day with five minutes of thankfulness. You can even do it in your car on the way to work. Do it in your own way, whether it's thoughtful reflection or a prayer or singing out loud, but focus on your rich, amazing, abundant life.
Feeling grumpy or resentful or worried instead of thankful? Change direction! Consider the incredible gifts you have--mind, body, spirit, senses, your family, your friends, your clothes, your car, and the breakfast you enjoyed this morning. By the standards of 99% of the world, Americans are incredibly, amazingly rich. You truly have no idea how richly blessed you are until you start thinking about it. Even the heart that beats within you and the lungs that breathe your air are an intricate and amazing miracle.
Some of my favorite movies are ones that feature a once-defeated character waking up to an absolutely new day: "It's A Wonderful Life," the various versions of Dicken's "Christmas Carol" and "Groundhog Day." How exhilarating it is for George Bailey to wake up and realize his life isn't over, it's just beginning, and that today truly is a brand new day.
"It's a Wonderful Life"
George returns home to everything he ever wanted.
7 comments:
I think the most important thing you can do right now is reorder your life. Maybe it's what needs to happen first before the path back to Marie. Maybe she is waiting to see if you are serious about reordering your life. Maybe right now she also needs to be reordering her life and concentrating on Austin and her other children and grandchildren. This might very well be a very good thing for both of you. My advice is to keep paying for the cell phone so she knows she can always call you on it and that you want to keep that line open. Cancelling it could mean that you are cancelling her from your life. I think about once a week send her one message either a text message or an email just keep it simple and let her know you are still available anytime she needs you.
Not incesstantly but often include in the message that you appreciate all she has done for you in the past and that you respect her greatly.
I know all the books and studies say most of all men need to feel respected to feel loved. Well the truth is so do women. Right know I am going through a very difficult time feeling very disrespected and unappreciated by most of the people I love the most. It hurts. I start questioning myself; if I'm doing enough for my family and to think maybe I don't deserve respect and appreciation. I know that's not true because I give myself to my family and their needs and wants daily, I just would like to know that they appreciate it. I have also been feeling that maybe they would be happier and better off without me because I sure can't seem to help make them feel happy and loved.
Okay I am rambling, sorry. I guess a comment on your blog really isn't the right place for my sorrows and hurts. I wish I could hug and cuddle my grandchildren right now they seem to appreciate me and love me.
Please don't stop writing about anything, including your relationship with Marie!! You're not writing this blog to please anyone else, you're writing it for you! The fact that we all enjoy it is just a happy bonus :-)
Gretchen, thanks again for writing and commenting. It sounds like you are going through a tough time. I know how devoted you are to your kids and grandkids, and this summer has been a time of tremendous and wrenching transitions. I wish the best for you and appreciate your contributions so much.
Arlene, it's wonderful to hear from you again and thank you for the encouragement. Writers should write, and never give up, and never let fear or discouragement or distraction get in the way. The blog has been a terrific experience for me and the input of regular contributors like you and Gretchen has made it really special.
About Marie, I'll just have to hope for the best. She called this afternoon and asked me to help her with something, something I was glad to do for her, and maybe that will help break the ice a little.
I'm stuffed--I ate too many Cheez-Its. I'll have to go on a long bike ride tomorrow.
Congratulations. It seems you have achieved the true title of "transformation times." I really enjoy reading your posts, so feel free to write about anything, even if it is about Marie, it can be seriously therapeutic (but you knew that). :) PS. I saw you riding your bike the other day, how long does it take you to get home from work? I just started biking myself, will be some time before ready for a trek though!
Amie,
I love the feeling of riding the bike, the wind blowing through what's left of my hair. It takes 30-35 minutes to pedal home, really not much more than a car ride, because the bike path is continuous and you don't end up waiting in traffic. I get a little work out and save the gas. I've gone from spending a $100 a week on fuel to ten, so it's a win-win-win. I'm thinking of taking a long ride this afternoon if I don't take a nap, and end it with a bacon lettuce and tomato sandwich and a piece of marionberry pie. How's Millie?
Dale
Dale ... you've got a lot of things to work out. You have a lot of issues, like we all do. "Being interesting" isn't one of them. Trust me. I've been hooked from the first word. Just keep on keepin' on. The writing's fine.
Brad,
I am so glad you enjoy the blog. I am heartened by everyone's feedback and interest. Today's post will jump off from Gary Zimmerman's Hall of Fame speech. I have to interject a little Duck talk as often as possible, if for no other reason than to annoy my smart, funny and beautiful daughter.
Post a Comment